Friday, 29 July 2011

It's final

So we had the email today that GMS blood showed a bhcg level of 119 which is going down so they are stopping her medication. Feel so sorry for her as her dreams won't be realised either.
I feel sick and sad but also determined that we will keep going as long as it takes. We know from other couples that the journey can be long and painful but giving up now is not an option.
Dr K will be in touch later about the next steps. I am keen to move on with our frosties ASAP.
will keep praying for better luck next time and strength to cope with all these traumas.

Monday, 25 July 2011

Bad day

I didnt post on Friday when we had our first results as I thought it was too good to be true and it was. After all the anxiety we received the wonderful news that GMS was pregnant on friday morning with a bhcg of 99.93. I was so happy with that as a level around 100 for a singleton is a really good result. It did cross my mind that you cant tell if it is a singleton pregnancy and it possibly could be 2 not so good twins with hcgs around 50.. anyway..Dr K was planning to repeat it in 3 days, which fell on Sunday. I rang her this morning to find that she was having her bloods today (4 days later). I tried to put it to the back of my mind but halfway through my afternoon surgery I found an email from Dr K.. to say that she had an oral report from the lab, stating a level of 159.6, which has risen but not doubled (should possibly have doubled and then some by now!). Felt totally sick. Just like history repeating itself. Our only other pregnancies start well then the bhcg nightmare starts and then it drops and game over. Just to make it worse, I had half a surgery to finish including a 6 day old baby aargh. Spent the afternoon, with reddish eyes (patients didnt seem to notice), crying inbetween patients. Just 4 days ago we had a positive result and now all the dreams are fading fast.. again. How many times can we go through this? Its what I was probably so anxious about, the hideous feeling when it doesnt work out. So many of our embie-angels up in heaven..its so sad. Heartbreak all over again.  

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

One week and counting down

Its been 5 days since we got back from Mumbai and heard about the awful bombs that went off yesterday, its so tragic. I did a lot of shopping in Dadar so was shocked to see a bomb go off there. We felt relieved that our surrogate and Corion are in the Northern Suburbs, well away but felt so sorry for everyone involved in this tragedy. I have felt very attached to Mumbai this time, despite all the illnesses and stresses, it's an amazing place and I'm really missing the vibrancy of the place.
We had dinner in London that night at a charity event for St Dunstans, a charity for blind ex service personnel with the Duke of Kent in attendance and crown prince pavlos of Greece! It was strange having drinks without panicking about effect on sperm and eggs but lovely to spend a night in London midweek together.
This post is in the wrong place as I started it on 14th July!

The 2ww

So this has been as bad if not worse than previous 2ww for me. The first week is filled with optimism with fear of failure...again! We have gone so long without good news that we almost cant believe we may get a positive result, ever! But we have tried very hard to keep positive and send all positive vibes and love to our embies which are so far away. Have been praying like mad to keep GMS well and happy and pray it works for her sake as well so she can provide for her 3 children.
It has been strange for me as I havent told any of our friends that we are doing this process or even that we have been away to India! Work colleagues think I have been to Malta, fortunately I have been there quite a few times so I can talk confidently about it. The big benefit is that I don't have to talk about how I am feeling to everyone. Most people think we are taking a break for a few months so are giving me some space and not asking too many questions which makes it easier for me. We just can't take any more sympathy from our friends, who all mean well but we feel we don't want to spread further disappointment around. I just so want to have my happy ending with this now! I know I am supposed to be patient, but I am simply rubbish at it at the moment. We have made a provisional game plan if this attempt doesn't work out I.e using our frozen embryos first. Then maybe do another fresh attempt next year or do a cycle here and take embryos over.. But I can't bear to think of those. I want to use the frozen embies for siblings if needed. I just want this to work so much. I cant take another heartbreak.
This second week has been the most difficult. On top of the general anxiety,I think I have been premenstrual so irrationality is rife! The clinic mailed me to tell me that although the blood test for hcg is done on Thursday ( tmrw!) the result is not recieved until the following afternoon. I originally was fine with this but on Mental Monday, I felt I couldn't wait that extra 24 hours and mailed the clinic to see if they could possibly get the result on Thursday evening! Bless them, clearly used to impatient I.Ps, said they would try but I'm getting ready for 2 more sleeps before we find out!
So on the brink of GMS having her blood test I am still hoping and praying that the life changing result is achieved.
I had a patient today wanting a termination at 22+ weeks pregnancy, she has 3 children already. This made me feel so sick and unwell as one clinic had turned her down already but she really wanted it done. 24 weeks is viability, so the fetus will have to effectively be murdered. It's so sick,especially for oversensitive me!
Life is so unfair and topsy turvy.. Please let our dreams start this time! will be back...

Sunday, 10 July 2011

Day 3- Embryo transfer day!

Back at home, with the 'back to work blues'.
Left Mumbai yesterday lunchtime. Left slightly earlier in fear of the floods that had occurred on the Friday and stopped me from visiting Powai where I wanted to check out another flat, and also finalising my shopping (!). However, roads were fine. We had a complimentary transfer back to the airport so waved at our drivers as we left, bye bye to Rajan, Abdul, Poshaiya and Henry.. we will miss you!
Didnt get to say goodbye to my favourite concierges Praful and Diego either! Hopefully we will be back next year!!

We got to Mumbai international and check in went smoothly. I nervously checked my emails in case Sakshi had mailed the day 2 results- she had! Oh my, we had now got 10 embryos! 6 grade A and 4 grade B. She explained that 2 embryos didnt have 2 pronuclei which is the appearance of a fertilised egg, as they had already moved onto the first cell division stage! So we had 10 out of 10 fertilised! Despite diarrhea and febrile illnesses and a terrible diet, our gametes did good!!

But we can't get too excited as previous cycles produce excellent embryos but then we dont get off the starting blocks. : (

So this morning, I woke up (early, jet lagged) to a mail from Sakshi with our IVF summary and pics of the 4 embies they transferred to GMS, who was doing fine. They put 2 grade A and 2 grade B's in. We got to freeze 4 grade As and 2 grade C's (2 grade B's went bit downhill.. ). Am glad there is enough for a frozen cycle (hopefully sibling!!! purlease....)

Now we are in the 2 week wait and PUPO (pregnant till proven otherwise).. this is the worst! Am keeping everything crossed and sending lots of prayers that its our turn this time.

Friday, 8 July 2011

Fertilisation day!

Have been all anxious this morning waiting to get the news of how many of the 10 eggs were fertilised by Pauls super sperm! I went to the clinic to pick up my credit card (which I was silly enough to leave behind yesterday) but embryologist Sakshi was not in, so few more hours to panic! I checked out the signed surrogacy contract too, GMS, bless her, had signed with her thumbprint. We are going to get a notarised copy of this agreement later.I asked the nurses if she was happy to be doing this and they said she was very happy. phew! I was planning to go to Powai to check out another serviced apartments but the roads were horrendous and flooded, saw an autorickshaw get stuck and the passengers had to wade through knee deep water and decided not to bother!
Came back to hotel to see Paul munching the last of my bananas (I love the mini bananas here, they have a lovely texture and flavour) despite telling me he wasnt keen on them!
Had 2 bits of good news today
1. We were panicking last night after reading the surrogacy information on the British High Commission website which states that both parents passports have to be sent off in order to obtain baby's passport. This sent Paul in a tail spin as he was planning to return to the UK after 3 weeks, as my parents were planning to stay with me for the duration (up to 12 weeks). He wrote to the passport services in Delhi who reassured him that he can show the original to the consulate in Mumbai and take a full copy (of every page) with him. So thats good.
2. Just had mail from Sakshi at the lab that 8 out of 10 eggs fertilised, so hoping and praying they continue to grow and develop. Its like waiting for exam results on a daily basis, gives you knots in your stomach and a faint queasy feeling until you know!

Ok am off out to get some more bananas whilst the rain has stopped!

Its our last day here so planning to have a wee drink later!

Thursday, 7 July 2011

Egg retrieval Part 2!

I survived! Got there at 10 am, put my gown on the wrong way round, signed a consent form without any info (just relied on my previous knowledge!) and got whisked off to the OR at 10.30. Looked well equipped and clean with the lab just adjacent. Mr anaesthist whipped in a pink cannula, and gave me some wierd sedative which made me feel quite starnge, like death was near! Chest went bit tight, funny feeling in my throat, could hear the cardiac monitor speed up as I got anxious! Then I counted up whilst the propofol filled my veins- got up to 4... out.... and then I remember being 'tapped' on the shoulder by someone annoying who was trying to wake me up! Dr K had got 10 eggs out but not able to make any judgements on them until tmrw, praying they are good mature ones!
Had to wait an hour (slept through most of that) until I could have a drink and rest of afternoon was spent in that recovery room waiting for Dr K to check out which surrogate had the best lining! Signed various surrogacy agreements whilst we waited. The booth/room opposite us was full of about 8 surrogates who all kept smiling at me everytime I opened our door to walk past. It was quite surreal. In the end we had a choice of 2 who fulfilled the criteria- we plumped for the 27 yr old divorcee (call her GMS) with 3 children age 3,5,7. The 2 smaller children will stay with her in the surrogate house and the older one with her sister.  We got to meet her briefly and she was really petite but pretty. We felt huge next to her but hopefully she wont have problems with our embies! I gave her the saree pressie and when she went back to her room of surro-pals they were all twittering excitedly! We were pretty spaced out and tired by that point so I only used a few of my hindi phrases on her!
Paid up about £4300 for my IVF, surrogate preparation, drugs and pathology. Also paid in advance for a possible Frozen embryo transfer just in case. Hopefully GMS will be the magic we need and that money can go towards her fees later! Tense few days ahead now, praying for excellent fertilisation and embryos!